Serve and Return

To connect to teens, take a lesson from DJ Pryor, comedian and toddler dad gone viral. If you haven’t already, you can see him in action here. While you watch, notice how Pryor uses a strategy called Serve and Return to talk with his son. This strategy is fun, like a lively game of ping pong, but it’s essential in brain building.

And it works with teens.

Toddlers and teens may be on opposite ends of childhood, but the brains of each are reformatting as they build new synapses and prune unused ones. And since both toddlers and teens are in a fierce fight for independence, it’s a tricky time to say connected. But the Serve and Return strategy can help.

This strategy has three parts.

Notice the serve—the signal to begin a conversation. Toddlers are effusive with serving signals, but teens make you work harder. They often serve without saying a word. All you may get is a tapping foot or a long look or crossed arms or a slouch or a general edginess. Whatever the signal, you’ve been served. And it’s your job to notice.

Return the serve—as sign you’ve received the signal. Even though Pryor doesn’t understand a word his toddler says, he tries to match his response to what he’s been served. A teen may not say a word. But if she’s just hanging around, she may be signaling for time with you. Invite her for a bike ride, a walk, a trip to the grocery store, any place you can talk without eye contact. Give slouching shoulders a squeeze. Offer a cup of tea. When you get served, do something.

Keep taking turns. Notice how Pryor returns a serve and then waits. Both toddlers and teens deal with thoughts and emotions that stretch their abilities to articulate. It’s easy to pull the adult card, filling the silence with advice. But waiting is crucial. It respects teens as players in the game, giving them time to think. And it keeps the turns going.

It appears that DJ Pryor’s made it big in the toddler leagues. And I wish him well for what’s coming!