The How-Are-You Question

The Christmas lights at the hospital caught me unaware. My stomach clenched and my mouth went dry. And no wonder! It’s become an unfortunate trend that when the days grow dark and cold and Christmas lights blink on trees, someone in my family lands in the hospital.

So far, this holiday season, our family is hospital-free, though in different stages of recovery. And a few still grapple with a dilemma—exactly how to answer the question, “How are you?”

This can be an exhausting question, one that generates a plethora of internal predicaments. Is this person saying hello, or really asking? Is this a pain rating of 1 to 10? Is it a lie to give the scripted answer that I’m fine? Just because they ask, do I need to tell? If I answer honestly, will I burst into tears in front of everyone?

The how-are-you question brings pressure. To be good and brave and full of hope. To quickly synthesize a complicated, multi-faceted internal state into a one-word summary. To make an on-the-spot decision about how much to share. To summon the emotional energy to, once again, give a litany of health. 

This is the season of holiday gatherings. People come from afar, people who haven’t seen each other lately. Christmas cheer is in the air. And so is the often-dreaded question—how are you?

So what else can you say in that first moment of meeting?

Here are five ideas:

The how-are-you question isn’t always wrong. It can launch strong, empathetic, important interactions. But only when the time is right. And the place. And the relationship.

Perhaps the most important gift you can give to those struggling with health this holiday is the often-hard-won gift of thought. How can your first greeting show someone she’s more than a diagnosis? What topic of conversation could bring the two of you together?

And to make your gift richer, end your talk with a hug and by saying you care. This shows you think about their fight for health, that you are with them, and that you are willing to listen. But all without pressure.